Squarespace Blog / "parenting"
Swinger Sunday - To hell with "normal"
**Hey everyone! Welcome to another Swinger Sunday! Duke from Righteous Duke Designs has graced us with a most amazing post this week. You should really take the time to read it... he's a great writer and I enjoyed giggling aloud this morning while drinking my coffee... maybe if I ask him nicely, he will make me some more... ;) Duke - you are most definitely invited back any time... Thanks... Readers... PLEASE comment w/ your opinions... he has earned them...**
We all like blogs that are juicy and self-revealing. (I don't know why it is, but any blog article I personally read I feel like there is this unseen grandstand full of fans, "GOOOOO FOR IT!!!!!" , and reveal every last detail, racing across goal-line of TMI. No one likes the awkward feeling of too much info --until we can read it in print. "Oh! An article titled 'All My Dark Secrets of Quirky Personal Issues Revealed'?? Don't mind if I do!!!"
If there is a first "Unspoken Rule For Spouses", it would also be that same rule that also makes a blog deliciously fun to read; you gotta be ready to embrace embarrassment. That writer is hanging themselves out there over the abyss of ridicule and hilarity, and God bless 'em, we hang on every candid word. So, with that -I feel a slight draft, because a'danglin' I go.
I've got some jacked up view of roles, brother.
Its funny when you think about it; all our lives, all of us learn to live in and fulfill certain "roles". We have a certain role we perform when we "do this", a role we play when we "do that"; we are a certain way when we talk to our friends - and usually a completely different way we talk to our parents LOL or our boss. We ignore and pass on prospective people to date because they are "not right for the part" of the 'role' we need them to play. We need -or more likely, we think we need- them to fulfill "this" role. Best friend, assistant, wife/homemaker, breadwinner, stay-at-home mom, knight-in-shining-armor.roles we mentally audition people for, all within the unspoken confines of our own minds, with the candidate none the wiser. These roles, the parts people we know play, and that we perform with them in turn, are rarely ever discussed, but yet they govern so much of our interaction with everyone around us.
When things get serious -"roles" collide at top-speed in a fantastic wreckage of talent, argument, areas where we're gifted, areas where we are weak, and best-laid-plans. In a marriage everyone starts out all "Wow & Fireworks!". But when you say "I do"... all the covers come off and your closet full of "roles"gets examined by that other person. Yep -guess what; that hot dude or fine babe --they are gonna see all your mess, smell your not-so-nice odors at the most inopportune times... or want to come in and have a "serious talk" while your stuck on the toilet, helpless and with no dignity. Yeah, just another one plucked at random... you know, out of thin air. Not that that's happened to me.
My wife and I enrolled in the crash course of marriage hell, meeting and marrying in just under 3 weeks. Sailing along on clouds of utter bliss and passion, we finally hit 5 months. The fight was on. Bliss and passion became mortal combat, and when we'd run out of emotional barbs and artillery, we'd pull out our left-over plastic cutlery from Wendy's and proceed to fight on, to the death -metaphorically speaking. We'd fight about such earth-shattering topics like the toilet seat -up or down- or how she leaves wet towels hanging on door-knobs. Truly worthy causes for modern non-bloody warfare? Not so much.
Well; my wife's patterns -or "roles", her ways of doing things, and mine -led us to live in a running gunfight of verbal and emotional chaos for about 6 months. All due to patterns and roles we thought the other person "was supposed" to play. I was "in-character", performing my "role" the way I was used to -"supposed" to be reacting, and she was turning in her Oscar-winning role, arguing the way she was used to arguing. We just played out our "Roles", leaving destroyed progress, smoldering in our wake. She'd make a statement, and uncannily, my "scripted dialogue", how I thought I was supposed to respond, would let fly from my mouth a split-second later, and BOOM! There went the heavy artillery, before I even had a chance to cease fire or raise the white flag of peace.
Admittedly, I still treat counter tops as horizontal storage units, amassing a literal museum of clutter in a seemingly instantaneous moment. She still leaves her jeans... right where she drops them. And they stay. right.there. She pours heaping amounts of French Vanilla creamer in her coffee after she's already poured her coffee into her cup, while I rail against the heavens to her that it will taste better if she would just put the creamer in before she pours in the brown liquid gift from God into her cup. **Duke, I do the same thing... for you - i will try to change, lol except mine is Fat Free French Vanilla, ;)**
So, after 7 years, and 2 kids; we now work together, both professionally, and privately. Professionally, we own and operate Righteous Design; a graphic design & web-development firm, while privately we referee our sons, Batman and Robin, from taking over the world -and all of it combined utterly baffles our relatives. Why? Because we fit no pattern of what is "normal" to them.
We don't look normal. We don't work normal. We don't live normal. But, to bring this to a conclusion; what is normal? May I say again."To hell with normal!" I have spent the last 2 years building @RighteousDesign while my wife worked her Network Engineering job of 10 years playing the role as "bread winner" for our house. My wife, with her Jedi-like ability to fix anything with a power cord and draws electrical current, installs any appliance we get in the house or office. Me.I cook. I do the dishes. I do the laundry. Now, before some of you kindly send me an apron and a hair-net, I also make forays out into ice-storms for comfort food, I kill the spiders and other wee beasties found here in the mid-west that cause my courageous, world-traveling wife to scream for help, as if we were being invaded by zombie hordes. She'll lay out a problem, challenge, dilemma or list of options, and the lightbulb will go off over my head and I'll catch what she needs to do with what. Sometimes it is just a change in a color palette, or a tweak to a graphic, a change in approach. Whatever. Somehow I just "see" it, and we're off and running again.
If you are good at something; run with it. If your spouse is good at something; let them run with it. If your co-worker, your junior vice-president, your office manager, your assistant -your kids -if they show an aptitude, let them run with it. And you should too.
Goal number one: survive -whatever it is, however long it takes- with the important relationship(s) intact. (There are, of course, exceptions to this, as sometimes people show their true colors under stress. Or, we finally are enlightened enough to actually see those colors- and we must separate ourselves from these unhealthy persons.) But the relationships we know to be important to us; where there is a mutual commitment, an investment of time, where both trust and a degree of personal feeling of some strength is present -we must find a way to survive. Together.
Taking proverbial hammer in hand and whacking those around us into metaphorical holes that are not their "shape", due to the fact that that's just the "role" we ' know' and unconsciously operate by, and want them to operate by -is counter-productive.
My wife does what she's good at, I do what I'm good at. She changes diapers, I explain things to our boys about why their private parts "do funny things". Best "man" (and by the word "man", here, I mean that in a gender-neutral way) for the job does the job, and the other backs him or her up.
The next time you're at a stalemate, and its time to divvy up assignments - remember this scenario --- We (my wife and I) were installing the HD-TV/Surround Sound/Blu-Ray "Trifecta of Awesome" in our first "real" apartment. My wife had her head buried within a cabinet of cables and wires while I was flipping through the instruction manual -which, true to our abnormal roles, she of course completely ignored. I finally, feeling useless and frustrated just asked her "What can I do?"
"Make some coffee?"
**Grrrrooowl.**
Read more →
We all like blogs that are juicy and self-revealing. (I don't know why it is, but any blog article I personally read I feel like there is this unseen grandstand full of fans, "GOOOOO FOR IT!!!!!" , and reveal every last detail, racing across goal-line of TMI. No one likes the awkward feeling of too much info --until we can read it in print. "Oh! An article titled 'All My Dark Secrets of Quirky Personal Issues Revealed'?? Don't mind if I do!!!"
If there is a first "Unspoken Rule For Spouses", it would also be that same rule that also makes a blog deliciously fun to read; you gotta be ready to embrace embarrassment. That writer is hanging themselves out there over the abyss of ridicule and hilarity, and God bless 'em, we hang on every candid word. So, with that -I feel a slight draft, because a'danglin' I go.
I've got some jacked up view of roles, brother.
Its funny when you think about it; all our lives, all of us learn to live in and fulfill certain "roles". We have a certain role we perform when we "do this", a role we play when we "do that"; we are a certain way when we talk to our friends - and usually a completely different way we talk to our parents LOL or our boss. We ignore and pass on prospective people to date because they are "not right for the part" of the 'role' we need them to play. We need -or more likely, we think we need- them to fulfill "this" role. Best friend, assistant, wife/homemaker, breadwinner, stay-at-home mom, knight-in-shining-armor.roles we mentally audition people for, all within the unspoken confines of our own minds, with the candidate none the wiser. These roles, the parts people we know play, and that we perform with them in turn, are rarely ever discussed, but yet they govern so much of our interaction with everyone around us.
When things get serious -"roles" collide at top-speed in a fantastic wreckage of talent, argument, areas where we're gifted, areas where we are weak, and best-laid-plans. In a marriage everyone starts out all "Wow & Fireworks!". But when you say "I do"... all the covers come off and your closet full of "roles"gets examined by that other person. Yep -guess what; that hot dude or fine babe --they are gonna see all your mess, smell your not-so-nice odors at the most inopportune times... or want to come in and have a "serious talk" while your stuck on the toilet, helpless and with no dignity. Yeah, just another one plucked at random... you know, out of thin air. Not that that's happened to me.
My wife and I enrolled in the crash course of marriage hell, meeting and marrying in just under 3 weeks. Sailing along on clouds of utter bliss and passion, we finally hit 5 months. The fight was on. Bliss and passion became mortal combat, and when we'd run out of emotional barbs and artillery, we'd pull out our left-over plastic cutlery from Wendy's and proceed to fight on, to the death -metaphorically speaking. We'd fight about such earth-shattering topics like the toilet seat -up or down- or how she leaves wet towels hanging on door-knobs. Truly worthy causes for modern non-bloody warfare? Not so much.
Well; my wife's patterns -or "roles", her ways of doing things, and mine -led us to live in a running gunfight of verbal and emotional chaos for about 6 months. All due to patterns and roles we thought the other person "was supposed" to play. I was "in-character", performing my "role" the way I was used to -"supposed" to be reacting, and she was turning in her Oscar-winning role, arguing the way she was used to arguing. We just played out our "Roles", leaving destroyed progress, smoldering in our wake. She'd make a statement, and uncannily, my "scripted dialogue", how I thought I was supposed to respond, would let fly from my mouth a split-second later, and BOOM! There went the heavy artillery, before I even had a chance to cease fire or raise the white flag of peace.
Admittedly, I still treat counter tops as horizontal storage units, amassing a literal museum of clutter in a seemingly instantaneous moment. She still leaves her jeans... right where she drops them. And they stay. right.there. She pours heaping amounts of French Vanilla creamer in her coffee after she's already poured her coffee into her cup, while I rail against the heavens to her that it will taste better if she would just put the creamer in before she pours in the brown liquid gift from God into her cup. **Duke, I do the same thing... for you - i will try to change, lol except mine is Fat Free French Vanilla, ;)**
So, after 7 years, and 2 kids; we now work together, both professionally, and privately. Professionally, we own and operate Righteous Design; a graphic design & web-development firm, while privately we referee our sons, Batman and Robin, from taking over the world -and all of it combined utterly baffles our relatives. Why? Because we fit no pattern of what is "normal" to them.
We don't look normal. We don't work normal. We don't live normal. But, to bring this to a conclusion; what is normal? May I say again."To hell with normal!" I have spent the last 2 years building @RighteousDesign while my wife worked her Network Engineering job of 10 years playing the role as "bread winner" for our house. My wife, with her Jedi-like ability to fix anything with a power cord and draws electrical current, installs any appliance we get in the house or office. Me.I cook. I do the dishes. I do the laundry. Now, before some of you kindly send me an apron and a hair-net, I also make forays out into ice-storms for comfort food, I kill the spiders and other wee beasties found here in the mid-west that cause my courageous, world-traveling wife to scream for help, as if we were being invaded by zombie hordes. She'll lay out a problem, challenge, dilemma or list of options, and the lightbulb will go off over my head and I'll catch what she needs to do with what. Sometimes it is just a change in a color palette, or a tweak to a graphic, a change in approach. Whatever. Somehow I just "see" it, and we're off and running again.
If you are good at something; run with it. If your spouse is good at something; let them run with it. If your co-worker, your junior vice-president, your office manager, your assistant -your kids -if they show an aptitude, let them run with it. And you should too.
Goal number one: survive -whatever it is, however long it takes- with the important relationship(s) intact. (There are, of course, exceptions to this, as sometimes people show their true colors under stress. Or, we finally are enlightened enough to actually see those colors- and we must separate ourselves from these unhealthy persons.) But the relationships we know to be important to us; where there is a mutual commitment, an investment of time, where both trust and a degree of personal feeling of some strength is present -we must find a way to survive. Together.
Taking proverbial hammer in hand and whacking those around us into metaphorical holes that are not their "shape", due to the fact that that's just the "role" we ' know' and unconsciously operate by, and want them to operate by -is counter-productive.
My wife does what she's good at, I do what I'm good at. She changes diapers, I explain things to our boys about why their private parts "do funny things". Best "man" (and by the word "man", here, I mean that in a gender-neutral way) for the job does the job, and the other backs him or her up.
The next time you're at a stalemate, and its time to divvy up assignments - remember this scenario --- We (my wife and I) were installing the HD-TV/Surround Sound/Blu-Ray "Trifecta of Awesome" in our first "real" apartment. My wife had her head buried within a cabinet of cables and wires while I was flipping through the instruction manual -which, true to our abnormal roles, she of course completely ignored. I finally, feeling useless and frustrated just asked her "What can I do?"
"Make some coffee?"
**Grrrrooowl.**
Wordless Wednesday: Poop Trail *gross*
When you have 3 boys in one house... you never know what kind of poop stories your gunna have come your way *giggles about inside story that WONT be shared here* but thus far - this one takes the cake... I FINALLY had just sat down on the couch with hubby.... and literally minutes later I hear IzzaQ slip and land on his bum... then heard him say, "UH OH" and RUN off to the bathroom... this is never good... so zaq stands up to follow him, and what do we see? A poop trail... When he fell he must have pooped his pants... no undies, it fell down his leg, and he stepped in it... Poop foot prints all the way to the bathroom... I couldn't help but laugh... and of course, before I got down to scrub the poop outta the carpet, i HAD to take *gross* photos to share with you all...
Read more →
Note to Self Saturday: Xmas Success!
Ohhh what a day... Cali may not be "home"... and Christmas sure doesn't feel the same when its 70 & sunny... but it sure went off without a hitch! We spent Christmas Eve at the Settimis house and it was amazing... such great company... amazing Prime Rib... and BEAUTIFUL baby girls ;) (which only helped to make me want a little lady even MORE!!) But the boys were great... they had a ton of fun... and we were able to stay until almost 11pm!! My boys are usually melting down by 7pm and ready for bed! So that was definitely a nice treat... we finished off the night with champagne & exchanging presents with hubby after the kids went to bed. It was perfect. I was the luckiest girl in the world! He got me a brand spankin new sewing machine, and bad ass camera, lol Cannon Rebel XSi... two lenses and a case. *dies* I have had SO MUCH FUN taking pictures... and was so happy to have it for xmas morning... its everything i could have possibly wanted and MORE! He definitely earned the #1 hubby award, lol.
i got him a new grill and a bunch of other randomness...
hes doing a wonderful job at being excited... though a feel like a total failure next to his gifts. lol
The boys had a ton of fun opening gifts... the kitchen & felt food has been a HUGE hit. But I think izzaq's favorite is the Melissa & Doug Birthday cake... He has been with it for like 6 hours! (yay for creative play - click photos to zoom)
My girl Ailie @ Baby Boo Felt has been so generous in helping us build our felt food collection... Not sure how likes it better, the boys or myself... but I just cant wait to start buying more :)
Zavery's favorite toy was probably the Mater truck. He loves it so much he even slept with it last night, lol
After presents there was a TON of playing... lots of snuggling... and then finally napping... kinda. (i think they were just too excited) Daddy took a good nap though... *good job daddy* while zaq napped and the boys pretended to, I started prepping stuffing. Zaq's mom makes the best sausage, rice & bread crumb stuffing... and for Thanksgiving zaq took a crack at making it... fail, lol So for x-mas it was my turn... I must say (and he will agree) i did a much better job... but it still wasn't Nana's stuffing...
Zaq was in charge of the rest... he likes cooking and holidays make it lots of fun for him to prepare the meal.
(notice the Vikings apron he got from santa... i think santa is even COOLER now that i know he shops on etsy!)
For dinner zaq made big fluffy squishy yummy rolls...
a HUGE bowl of mashed potatoes... (and this makes me laugh)
Healthy Organic milk... with about 3 sticks a butter, lol
and of course... a christmas "roast beast"...
With all the playing and eating... there was bound to be lots of snuggling... Zavery went over and plopped himself right onto the floor with his "b's" it was the cutest thing in the world...
Then after some snuggling with daddy it was time for bed...
The day was great... I couldnt have asked for anything more... and now today the countdown to Santa has switched to the countdown to Nana and Papa... The should be here in about 8 more hours! Not much time left seeing as the started the 30 hour drive yesterday! We are really excited to see them... its been about 4 months :( Hope everyone else had a great holiday! Be sure to leave some comment love, id love to hear all about your day!
Read more →
i got him a new grill and a bunch of other randomness...
hes doing a wonderful job at being excited... though a feel like a total failure next to his gifts. lol
The boys had a ton of fun opening gifts... the kitchen & felt food has been a HUGE hit. But I think izzaq's favorite is the Melissa & Doug Birthday cake... He has been with it for like 6 hours! (yay for creative play - click photos to zoom)
My girl Ailie @ Baby Boo Felt has been so generous in helping us build our felt food collection... Not sure how likes it better, the boys or myself... but I just cant wait to start buying more :)
Zavery's favorite toy was probably the Mater truck. He loves it so much he even slept with it last night, lol
After presents there was a TON of playing... lots of snuggling... and then finally napping... kinda. (i think they were just too excited) Daddy took a good nap though... *good job daddy* while zaq napped and the boys pretended to, I started prepping stuffing. Zaq's mom makes the best sausage, rice & bread crumb stuffing... and for Thanksgiving zaq took a crack at making it... fail, lol So for x-mas it was my turn... I must say (and he will agree) i did a much better job... but it still wasn't Nana's stuffing...
Zaq was in charge of the rest... he likes cooking and holidays make it lots of fun for him to prepare the meal.
(notice the Vikings apron he got from santa... i think santa is even COOLER now that i know he shops on etsy!)
For dinner zaq made big fluffy squishy yummy rolls...
a HUGE bowl of mashed potatoes... (and this makes me laugh)
Healthy Organic milk... with about 3 sticks a butter, lol
and of course... a christmas "roast beast"...
With all the playing and eating... there was bound to be lots of snuggling... Zavery went over and plopped himself right onto the floor with his "b's" it was the cutest thing in the world...
Then after some snuggling with daddy it was time for bed...
The day was great... I couldnt have asked for anything more... and now today the countdown to Santa has switched to the countdown to Nana and Papa... The should be here in about 8 more hours! Not much time left seeing as the started the 30 hour drive yesterday! We are really excited to see them... its been about 4 months :( Hope everyone else had a great holiday! Be sure to leave some comment love, id love to hear all about your day!
Wordless Wednesday: Creative Play
3 kids... one wooden toy = Creative Play that even SaraSophia would be proud of ;)
Maddie: Her mommy runs BDPhotography
Early in the month we won this Labyrinth from the @FentonSlee She has a Blog called Paisley and Pretty's. This christmas has been all about wooden toys & handmade goodies & creative play... so winning this was jsut the icing on the cake! The kids sat there quietly for about 45 minutes... not kidding... MY KIDS! and were VERY involved with making the balls make their way through the maze... Im so excited for our Creative Play christmas and seeing them with this just ensured that all my thoughts were right... Shortly after I decided to go this route for xmas - SaraSophia posted an AMAZING blog about their transition from plastic, overwhelming commercialized toys to real, true creative play... and it only inspired me MORE! I urge everyone to take a second to read it... its wonderful. So, as usual my Wordless Wednesday is full of words... I guess you could say I have a big mouth... err...keyboard? I dunno, lol but Ill hush up now so you can go read Saras post... then come back here and tell me what you think :)
Read more →
Maddie: Her mommy runs BDPhotography
Early in the month we won this Labyrinth from the @FentonSlee She has a Blog called Paisley and Pretty's. This christmas has been all about wooden toys & handmade goodies & creative play... so winning this was jsut the icing on the cake! The kids sat there quietly for about 45 minutes... not kidding... MY KIDS! and were VERY involved with making the balls make their way through the maze... Im so excited for our Creative Play christmas and seeing them with this just ensured that all my thoughts were right... Shortly after I decided to go this route for xmas - SaraSophia posted an AMAZING blog about their transition from plastic, overwhelming commercialized toys to real, true creative play... and it only inspired me MORE! I urge everyone to take a second to read it... its wonderful. So, as usual my Wordless Wednesday is full of words... I guess you could say I have a big mouth... err...keyboard? I dunno, lol but Ill hush up now so you can go read Saras post... then come back here and tell me what you think :)
Sunday Snuggles...
I woke up this morning... snuggled up with hubby on this slow Sunday morning... dozed back off for a bit... woke up to a toddler tugging at my arm...
"mama... mama... wake up! Its sunny out... its morning... its breakfast time!"
well, no way was that happening, it was like 7am... so i told him to go take his diaper off (he only wears a diaper @ night time, and I have him trained now when he wakes up, to take it off, toss it in the trash and go potty, yay!) He climbed into bed with me & zaq... we clicked on some cartoons... and continued with the sleepy Sunday snuggles... after about 30 minutes Zavery woke up... I dragged myself outta bed... one foot after the other... did his diaper swap... and dropped him into bed next to me. This sweet little 2 year old man wrapped his arms around my neck... sniffed and whimpered pretending to be a puppy... then meowed like a little kitty... kissed my nose the just rested his hand on my cheek... Oh how I wish I would have had my camera... it was pretty much the sweetest thing he has ever done. I looked around... and there were my men... snuggled up... just lovin' their Sunday snuggles... luckiest mama in the world.
Read more →
"mama... mama... wake up! Its sunny out... its morning... its breakfast time!"
well, no way was that happening, it was like 7am... so i told him to go take his diaper off (he only wears a diaper @ night time, and I have him trained now when he wakes up, to take it off, toss it in the trash and go potty, yay!) He climbed into bed with me & zaq... we clicked on some cartoons... and continued with the sleepy Sunday snuggles... after about 30 minutes Zavery woke up... I dragged myself outta bed... one foot after the other... did his diaper swap... and dropped him into bed next to me. This sweet little 2 year old man wrapped his arms around my neck... sniffed and whimpered pretending to be a puppy... then meowed like a little kitty... kissed my nose the just rested his hand on my cheek... Oh how I wish I would have had my camera... it was pretty much the sweetest thing he has ever done. I looked around... and there were my men... snuggled up... just lovin' their Sunday snuggles... luckiest mama in the world.
