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An amazing Swinger Sunday post by someone I love dearly. I just can't tell ya who! Fun right!? Totally. Either way, leave her some lovin :)
Just your everyday semi-crisis.
Holy moly, thank you to the outrageously awesome Amber for having a Swinger Sunday and for letting me treat it as a place to do a little decompressing to a group of readers that I think are just the bomb.
So its springtime…. And I am 26. And unmarried. And getting ready to finish graduate school. And kidless. And business-owning. And big-dream-having. And, well, unsatisfied, semi-unhappy, and totally freaking out about it.
For me, springtime always brings this sense of compelling change, a freshening and excitement for things to come.
But not this year. This year its bringing me nothing but daily anxiety attacks.
Age 26 might not seem ancient to you, but it sure seems like it to me. Well, its more that I just think that its too old to not have anything figured out in your life, not have anything solid and stable and something you can rely on to be good and true and unchanging.
For starters, I am in graduate school and own a business. I worry every day that I am succeeding at neither and really messing up both. I get medium good grades due to the fact that I can hardly pay attention to class, due to the fact that while I am in class all day long, I also have to be dealing with a ton of things for the business. My business’s growth is 100% dependant on, and often slowed down by, my ability/inability to focus on it, due to my school obligations. So, therefore, every single day of my life I am freaking out about being behind on this, forgetting that, and just not be able to do the things that both typical business owners and typical students do correctly and on time. It makes me just feel like a failure all day every day. Always apologizing to someone for effing SOMETHING up.
Also, I am in a 3.5 year long (and currently long distance) relationship. It used to be great. But, unfortunately, seeing him once in the last six months and having our conversations only magnify the characteristics of him that I really have major issues with and am not sure I can get over has been really difficult for me and for my happiness level with the relationship. I am also very social with a lot of friends and that has given me occasion to meet other guys. Ones that are fun, kind, funny, (really sexy/hot,) and think I am the bees knees. Turning down men (that I would typically be falling at the feet of) because I am in a relationship that is only questionably healthy at this point SUCKS. And its giving me a ton of anxiety. Because I am a super crazy and fun and goofy human and want to be having fun at all times. So why am I shutting out these guys that I have a lot of fun with and that could be the perfect person for me? It sucks and I feel like I am in a lose lose situation.
Now that I am back in the state of Ohio, I also have occasion to see my parents more often lately. They struggle to say ANYTHING positive to me or about me. No, really, I am 100% serious. They put me down, mitigate my achievements, and scream at me for minor things. Now, it’s taken me all of my 26 years on this earth to be able to type this in such a matter of fact nature. This used to kill me before I realized that it wasn’t a matter of me perpetually messing up and sucking, but more of their own suckiness. It feels good to be an adult and know that as I grow and make decisions about friends and life, that I will be able to include or exclude that part of my life as much as I see fit. Its an enormous weight off my shoulders actually. They really beat me down sometimes.
I am also moving back to California in May to complete my final internship before I graduate. I am excited to get back there, but feel so incredibly sad to be leaving a ground op friends that I have had for 20 years and that I have REALLY loved reconnecting with while I was spending a year back in my hometown (as I finish school.) I was able to be there when their babies were born and see them for a casual beer or coffee whenever we were free. Being around loved ones is a priceless feeling and is truly the most important thing in the world to me. So the thought of leaving really guts me.
This then brings me to my general lifestyle panic. In the past 4 years, I have been a bridesmaid in 10 weddings. I am now Auntie to the 8 babies that have already been born from these wonderful relationships. My friends own homes and have stable jobs and wonderful, loving, cozy, and inspiring lives.
And the fact that I have none of these things is reallllllyyy starting to get to me. Is my hyperactivity and moving across the country and around the world every 6 months to do new things and build orphanages and try to save the world now sabotaging my ability to chill out and enjoy the only things that ACTUALLY and truly make life worthwhile? I feel like the answer is yes and I don’t know how to fix it.
And now, here we are in springtime, I have all of this change and uncertainty in front of me, and I can’t help but just panic every minute. And it all compounds onto each other. The needing-to-settle down anxiety increases the love life anxiety which increases the work/school anxiety when I then realize that is my only shot at doing something correctly at the current and then I remember that I am doing quite the opposite. So, that is just the play-by-play of my daily freakout, which takes place over deep breathing with my head in my hands at my desk.
So each day I do this. And each day I tell myself that it will all work out and that I should just keep calm, keep my chin up, and spend the day like I would any other day, with a positive and happy outlook on my life and the people in it and a determination to be a good person and make the world a better place.
But my springtime daily freakouts are just… DRAINING. And I am totally trying to work on getting rid of them.
Do you all have any tricks for any of this? Or calming down about it at all?
Thank you for your ears. I really can’t tell you how much it means to me able to just VENT and unload sometimes. (:
Overwhelmed in Ohio.
Ok so the idea behind this is to remind everyone to take some time off from everything, you work hard and you owe it to yourself.. let your mind and body rest, write down some thoughts/plans/ lists if it feels like things are getting too much (a cute notebook and a pen is cheaper than a shrink... my pen is pink and bubblegum scented. yep! simple pleasures)
This is to remind you to at some point to turn off the computer, and turn off the email notifications on your phone! Ok.. ready?
I know I'm not alone in my bad habit of not knowing when to take a break. I work at my day job 5/6 days a week, and the rest of the time I'm working on Rockythezombie. Some of my best etsy friends do all of this and take care of an entire family too... and I think I'm tired!? ha!.. I'm sure they could show me TIRED.
I get up in the morning and finish orders, pack orders, and post orders.. and this is all before I start work at 11am. I then get home around 8pm and go right back to it until the early hours. I wouldn't change it though, I LOVE it.. it's who I am. Of course there is ONE thing I would change.. the day job, if it were financially possible I'd get rid of that. Maybe one day I'll be able to... I've done it before, so I can do it again right? I'm gonna work hard and wait and see...
Don't forget to make time for your friends, I am soooo guilty of this.. I'll not see anyone for weeks, and because I'm so busy I'll barely even notice. In my mind I only saw them last week when actually an entire month has gone by and I've spent it working.
This year I made a resolution to STOP every sunday.. and just do nothing, but this didn't really work.. I discovered I simply can't just do nothing. So instead I bake.. I bake cakes, cookies, pies, and anything else I feel like! It's fun, and makes my house smell amazing, and who doesn't love freshly baked goodies? I've also made a promise to myself that at least once a month I'll go out for dinner with friends, and I'll go to an out of town show with Hud.. I almost forgot how much fun it is to grab some beers, take a road trip to see a band you love, and meet up with old friends you just haven't found the time to see. Uh-mazing.. and totally relaxing, even if it does take another day to recover afterwards ;)
I have to admit that by sunday evening I'm feeling quite recovered and am itching to get back to work on the shop, but that's cool... moderation.. Find your perfect balance :)
When Amber asked me to do this I was at a loss for what to write about I could write something deeply personal but when it comes down to it I am insanely private. I guess it's just I worry what people would think Maybe they would assume I am fishing for pity. Or maybe they would think my story is fabricated.
Instead of writing something that could delve into a depressing post I think I will just talk about my daughter. Isabella was born the day before my birthday on August 20, 2007. It was oddly cold that day.
Since that day everything changed. Being a child who had to grow up too quickly I never want her to go through that. So sometimes instead of cleaning up the house we sit around and cuddle. We slack off on cooking elaborate meals and share PB&J. We watch cartoons and sit in our jammies.
Not to say I slack off as a mom but instead of focusing on what is important in the adult world maybe I would rather focus on the most beautiful treasure in my world. My house may not be spotless and my hair may be a mess but I have the most important reward of all. The love of my little girl.
So this did turn into something personal...
and yes... of course thats a RockerByeBaby blanket... ;)
Post 4 from the amazing Adam Thurston... LOVING this new segment :) And I know the followers are too!! Thanks, Adam, for sharing with my readers and I... even though we're so far away... it will be like we've been there all along... :) p.s. you can find his blog here... follow him :)
Teaching you to be a Lady while you teach me to be a Daddy.
Our Western society deems that you will be in school from the time you’re about six until you’re eighteen. After that, education becomes optional but not really unless you want to earn at the poverty line like your old man. School, be it grade school or grad school can be pretty tough so I thought we’d discuss some basic survival techniques to ensure maximum safety and minimal humiliation.
First: The classes WILL NOT be the hardest part of any level of school you attend. The students will be the hardest part. Many different scientists across many different fields over the course of many years have all come up with the same conclusion: kids are mean. While the reasons for this aren’t always clear, just know that it’s a commonly held fact. And just knowing that fact will see you through many a struggle. Some of it is shitty parenting. I mean let’s face it, not every kid is going to have great and cool parents like yours. They have boring parents that don’t remember what it’s like to be a kid. Therefore they make their kids behave like adults. Kids, not being able to cope with that pressure, react and act like little miniature assholes of their parents. Sadly, you will have to deal with these kids. They will be snotty and unreasonable and they will have no explanation for it. While this may be confusing to you, this is just a coping mechanism for them to deal with their own lives and trying to behave towards what they think is “cool.“ It’s also likely that they are overcome by your beauty and kind, gentle nature. Because you will likely look like this
As you can see, your mother is very beautiful. Sometimes pretty girls have it hard too. Other girls are jealous of their looks and boys will pick on them just because they’re overwhelmed by their beauty. But it gets worse. You could end up looking like this.
Since you’re a girl, I (and everyone who just saw that last picture) are really pulling for you looking like your mother. Back to the point, kids can be mean. Sadly, it gets worse in junior high. The clique and caste system are in full effect at this point and sometimes it will truly feel like hell. But at least it’s decent boot camp for high school. This is where friends and your parents come in to play. You’ll have made some friends and they will see you through your hard times and you’ll see them through theirs. And as mentioned in my previous blogs, you can come to your mother and I for anything at all. We’ll always have time for you.
Second: Pay attention! You’re there to get an education. Your education will be incredibly defining towards what sort of future you’ll have. What sort of job you’ll get, etc. It won’t always be easy but we’ll have raised you with a strong work ethic, and because I’ll have been reading to you since you were an infant your reading comprehension is going to be literally off the charts. And although this is slightly contrary to what I said earlier in this post, school can be fun! Learning can actually be fun! You’ll find passions for subjects and those passions may influence you on what sort of job or career you might want to have when you’re older.
Third: Teachers. It’s been awhile since my pupils belonged to a pupil (I punned!) but just like the afore mentioned kids, teachers come in all types. Most of them are good people that started teaching because they enjoy helping people learn. Some are old and strict. Some are young and casual. You will have your favorites that you’ll remember long after done being a student and some will get under your skin so badly you’ll dread having to walk into their classroom. And if you’re really unlucky, when you’re in college you’ll have that mid-forties prof that follows you around campus and calls you at odd hours of the night. But I suppose that’s why you have a dad. But the point is to learn from them what you can. Even that strict, crusty old guy might actually know what he’s talking about and it might be something important for you to know.
Well that about wraps it up for the old man this week, Maddie. August can’t come soon enough.
I love you.
Post 3 from the amazing Adam Thurston... LOVING this new segment :) And I know the followers are too!! Thanks, Adam, for sharing with my readers and I... even though we're so far away... it will be like we've been there all along... :) p.s. you can find his blog here... follow him :)
Mentoring Mondays: Teaching you to be a Lady while you teach me to be a Dad.
Hey Madeline. Last time I “saw” you, you were giving your mother heartburn. Just a heads up; that’s not the best way to score points with your mom before you’re even born but I guess that’s not really your fault.
I was originally going to only post Boys: See your mother! But after thinking on it, I want to weigh in on a few points. When you get older (tween, teen, etc) boys will become a pretty big focus on your life. While this is fun and all, you’re mainly fulfilling human instinct to find a life-mate. And if your experiences are anything like mine, you will kiss some frogs (or in my case, frog-ettes) in this search. I’m here to lay some groundwork to hopefully make this smoother for you. And really, as your dad, that’s my job; to help you learn from your mistakes. I’ll let you fall…but I’ll always catch you.
The first guy you’re going to know will be me and you‘ll likely measure all guys you meet to me. That’s a lot to live up to and I naturally want to be the best. How I live and behave in my daily life will be a reflection to you of most, if not all men. Now I’m a pretty easy going guy but I would be remiss in my duties as a father if I didn’t tell you what you have EVERY RIGHT TO EXPECT out of a guy as well as CRAZY CRAP ALL GUYS PULL. This is a partial list of potential encounters.
1. Abuse: Abuse of any type should never be allowed. This includes, but is not limited to, shoving, hitting, slapping, weapon-use, etc. It’s also important to mention emotional and psychological abuse. A potential mate should make you feel good about yourself! There’s enough stress in daily life to deal with. You don’t need some asshat with mommy issues to make it harder. I won’t stand for it and neither should you. Hopefully, by the time you get to the dating stage of your life, your mother and I will have instilled enough self esteem and confidence in you so that you know that kind of crap isn’t tolerated. A daddy can always hope…
2. Weirdness: Guys are just weird. We don’t go to bathrooms in pairs. We don’t spend hours getting ready. We don’t walk around asking “Do these jeans make me look fat?” But we’re weird all the same. I wish I had some great sage advice on the secret to men but I and three billion other guys are still working on figuring out the secret to women. All I can tell you is that you should be you. Never compromise. Don’t take any bullshit. If you’re lucky you’ll find some weird guy and you’ll be able to tolerate his quirks long after the quirks quit being cute and he’ll be able to do the same for you. This is rare, tough, and completely worth it. This is your mother and I, BTW. Our kung fu is strong and I hope you’ll find someone special with which to make your own.
3. The Rockthrower: You will meet this boy in the schoolyard during recess. He will throw a rock at you. It will hit you. It will hurt. You’ll ask him why he’s being an asshole (although I’d prefer if you don’t speak like your dad). He’ll say something uber-intelligent like “You smell!” And then he’ll run away. This means he has a crush on you. Although it seems like an odd way to show it, as stated above, boys are weird. Don’t throw rocks back at him. Corner him later and say something coy and witty like “You know, there are better ways to ask me out for ice cream. I think this bruise on my arm is worth a double scoop, don’t you?” And if his parents are at all worth their salt, he’ll say sorry and buy you ice cream. Invite him over and I’ll grill us all some burgers. And then I’ll show him my shotgun. Naw, just kidding! Real men don’t need guns to show that they’re men. Speaking of…
4 Real Men: There are so many images that come to mind when one thinks of a “real man.” Most of them are just macho posturing. The Marlboro Man. Frat boys. Jocks. Pauly Shore. Well, maybe not that last one but the rest apply. Guys come in all types, shapes, and sizes. Some may look or seem appealing but I hope you’ll look for the qualities found in real men: simple, honest, and brave. A real man will always protect the ones he loves by any means necessary. A real man makes that known to his loved ones without having to say it. A real man will put your needs in front of his. A real man knows his limitations. A real man says he’s sorry. And he means it.
I hope to be that archetype for you, Maddie. Four months until we meet. I’m counting the days until I can hold my daughter. Man, a daughter! I never tire of saying it. I can only hope you never tire of saying “daddy!”
I love you, Madeline Belle Thurston.