Squarespace Blog / "anxiety"
An amazing Swinger Sunday post by someone I love dearly. I just can't tell ya who! Fun right!? Totally. Either way, leave her some lovin :)
Just your everyday semi-crisis.
Holy moly, thank you to the outrageously awesome Amber for having a Swinger Sunday and for letting me treat it as a place to do a little decompressing to a group of readers that I think are just the bomb.
So its springtime…. And I am 26. And unmarried. And getting ready to finish graduate school. And kidless. And business-owning. And big-dream-having. And, well, unsatisfied, semi-unhappy, and totally freaking out about it.
For me, springtime always brings this sense of compelling change, a freshening and excitement for things to come.
But not this year. This year its bringing me nothing but daily anxiety attacks.
Age 26 might not seem ancient to you, but it sure seems like it to me. Well, its more that I just think that its too old to not have anything figured out in your life, not have anything solid and stable and something you can rely on to be good and true and unchanging.
For starters, I am in graduate school and own a business. I worry every day that I am succeeding at neither and really messing up both. I get medium good grades due to the fact that I can hardly pay attention to class, due to the fact that while I am in class all day long, I also have to be dealing with a ton of things for the business. My business’s growth is 100% dependant on, and often slowed down by, my ability/inability to focus on it, due to my school obligations. So, therefore, every single day of my life I am freaking out about being behind on this, forgetting that, and just not be able to do the things that both typical business owners and typical students do correctly and on time. It makes me just feel like a failure all day every day. Always apologizing to someone for effing SOMETHING up.
Also, I am in a 3.5 year long (and currently long distance) relationship. It used to be great. But, unfortunately, seeing him once in the last six months and having our conversations only magnify the characteristics of him that I really have major issues with and am not sure I can get over has been really difficult for me and for my happiness level with the relationship. I am also very social with a lot of friends and that has given me occasion to meet other guys. Ones that are fun, kind, funny, (really sexy/hot,) and think I am the bees knees. Turning down men (that I would typically be falling at the feet of) because I am in a relationship that is only questionably healthy at this point SUCKS. And its giving me a ton of anxiety. Because I am a super crazy and fun and goofy human and want to be having fun at all times. So why am I shutting out these guys that I have a lot of fun with and that could be the perfect person for me? It sucks and I feel like I am in a lose lose situation.
Now that I am back in the state of Ohio, I also have occasion to see my parents more often lately. They struggle to say ANYTHING positive to me or about me. No, really, I am 100% serious. They put me down, mitigate my achievements, and scream at me for minor things. Now, it’s taken me all of my 26 years on this earth to be able to type this in such a matter of fact nature. This used to kill me before I realized that it wasn’t a matter of me perpetually messing up and sucking, but more of their own suckiness. It feels good to be an adult and know that as I grow and make decisions about friends and life, that I will be able to include or exclude that part of my life as much as I see fit. Its an enormous weight off my shoulders actually. They really beat me down sometimes.
I am also moving back to California in May to complete my final internship before I graduate. I am excited to get back there, but feel so incredibly sad to be leaving a ground op friends that I have had for 20 years and that I have REALLY loved reconnecting with while I was spending a year back in my hometown (as I finish school.) I was able to be there when their babies were born and see them for a casual beer or coffee whenever we were free. Being around loved ones is a priceless feeling and is truly the most important thing in the world to me. So the thought of leaving really guts me.
This then brings me to my general lifestyle panic. In the past 4 years, I have been a bridesmaid in 10 weddings. I am now Auntie to the 8 babies that have already been born from these wonderful relationships. My friends own homes and have stable jobs and wonderful, loving, cozy, and inspiring lives.
And the fact that I have none of these things is reallllllyyy starting to get to me. Is my hyperactivity and moving across the country and around the world every 6 months to do new things and build orphanages and try to save the world now sabotaging my ability to chill out and enjoy the only things that ACTUALLY and truly make life worthwhile? I feel like the answer is yes and I don’t know how to fix it.
And now, here we are in springtime, I have all of this change and uncertainty in front of me, and I can’t help but just panic every minute. And it all compounds onto each other. The needing-to-settle down anxiety increases the love life anxiety which increases the work/school anxiety when I then realize that is my only shot at doing something correctly at the current and then I remember that I am doing quite the opposite. So, that is just the play-by-play of my daily freakout, which takes place over deep breathing with my head in my hands at my desk.
So each day I do this. And each day I tell myself that it will all work out and that I should just keep calm, keep my chin up, and spend the day like I would any other day, with a positive and happy outlook on my life and the people in it and a determination to be a good person and make the world a better place.
But my springtime daily freakouts are just… DRAINING. And I am totally trying to work on getting rid of them.
Do you all have any tricks for any of this? Or calming down about it at all?
Thank you for your ears. I really can’t tell you how much it means to me able to just VENT and unload sometimes. (:
Overwhelmed in Ohio.