Squarespace Blog / "blogging"

Swinger Sunday - To hell with "normal"

**Hey everyone! Welcome to another Swinger Sunday! Duke from Righteous Duke Designs  has graced us with a most amazing post this week. You should really take the time to read it... he's a great writer and I enjoyed giggling aloud this morning while drinking my coffee... maybe if I ask him nicely, he will make me some more... ;) Duke - you are most definitely invited back any time... Thanks... Readers... PLEASE comment w/ your opinions... he has earned them...**


We all like blogs that are juicy and self-revealing. (I don't know why it is, but any blog article I personally read I feel like there is this unseen grandstand full of fans, "GOOOOO FOR IT!!!!!" , and reveal every last detail, racing across goal-line of TMI. No one likes the awkward feeling of too much info --until we can read it in print. "Oh! An article titled 'All My Dark Secrets of Quirky Personal Issues Revealed'?? Don't mind if I do!!!"
If there is a first "Unspoken Rule For Spouses", it would also be that same rule that also makes a blog deliciously fun to read; you gotta be ready to embrace embarrassment. That writer is hanging themselves out there over the abyss of ridicule and hilarity, and God bless 'em, we hang on every candid word. So, with that -I feel a slight draft, because a'danglin' I go.
I've got some jacked up view of  roles, brother.
Its funny when you think about it; all our lives, all of us learn to live in and fulfill certain "roles". We have a certain role we perform when we "do this", a role we play when we "do that"; we are a certain way when we talk to our friends - and usually a completely different way we talk to our parents LOL or our boss.  We ignore and pass on prospective people to date because they are "not right for the part" of the 'role' we need them to play. We need -or more likely, we think we need- them to fulfill "this" role. Best friend, assistant, wife/homemaker, breadwinner, stay-at-home mom, knight-in-shining-armor.roles we mentally audition people for, all within the unspoken confines of our own minds, with the candidate none the wiser. These roles, the parts people we know play, and that we perform with them in turn, are rarely ever discussed, but yet they govern so much of our interaction with everyone around us.

When things get serious -"roles" collide at top-speed in a fantastic wreckage of talent, argument, areas where we're gifted, areas where we are weak, and best-laid-plans. In a marriage everyone starts out all "Wow & Fireworks!". But when you say "I do"... all the covers come off and your closet full of  "roles"gets examined by that other person. Yep -guess what; that hot dude or fine babe --they are gonna see all your mess, smell your not-so-nice odors at the most inopportune times... or want to come in and have a "serious talk" while your stuck on the toilet, helpless and with no dignity. Yeah, just another one plucked at random... you know, out of thin air. Not that that's happened to me.
My wife and I enrolled in the crash course of marriage hell, meeting and marrying in just under 3  weeks.  Sailing along on clouds of utter bliss and passion, we finally hit 5 months. The fight was on. Bliss and passion became mortal combat, and when we'd run out of emotional barbs and artillery, we'd pull out our left-over plastic cutlery from Wendy's and proceed to fight on, to the death -metaphorically speaking. We'd fight about such earth-shattering topics like the toilet seat -up or down- or how she leaves wet towels hanging on door-knobs.  Truly worthy causes for modern non-bloody warfare? Not so much.

Well; my wife's patterns -or "roles", her ways of doing things, and mine -led us to live in a running gunfight of verbal and emotional chaos for about 6 months. All due to patterns and roles we thought the other person "was supposed" to play. I was "in-character", performing my "role"  the way I was used to -"supposed" to be reacting, and she was turning in her Oscar-winning role, arguing the way she was used to arguing. We just played out our "Roles", leaving destroyed progress, smoldering in our wake. She'd make a statement, and uncannily, my "scripted dialogue",  how I thought I was supposed to respond, would let fly from my mouth a split-second later, and BOOM!  There went the heavy artillery, before I even had a chance to cease fire or raise the white flag of peace.
Admittedly,  I still treat counter tops as horizontal storage units, amassing a literal museum of clutter in a seemingly instantaneous moment. She still leaves her jeans... right where she drops them. And they stay. right.there. She pours heaping amounts of French Vanilla creamer in her coffee after she's already poured her coffee into her cup, while I rail against the heavens to her that it will taste better if she would just put the creamer in before she pours in the brown liquid gift from God into her cup. **Duke, I do the same thing... for you - i will try to change, lol except mine is Fat Free French Vanilla, ;)**

So, after 7 years, and 2 kids; we now work together, both professionally, and privately. Professionally, we own and operate Righteous Design; a graphic design & web-development firm, while privately we referee our sons, Batman and Robin, from taking over the world -and all of it combined utterly baffles our relatives. Why? Because we fit no pattern of what is "normal" to them.
We don't look normal. We don't work normal. We don't live normal. But, to bring this to a conclusion; what is normal? May I say again."To hell with normal!"  I have spent the last 2 years building @RighteousDesign while my wife worked her Network Engineering job of 10 years playing the role as "bread winner" for our house.  My wife, with her Jedi-like ability to fix anything with a power cord and draws electrical current, installs any appliance we get in the house or office.   Me.I cook. I do the dishes. I do the laundry. Now, before some of you kindly send me an apron and a hair-net, I also make forays out into ice-storms for comfort food, I kill the spiders and other wee beasties found here in the mid-west that cause my courageous, world-traveling wife to scream for help, as if we were  being invaded by zombie hordes. She'll lay out a problem, challenge, dilemma or list of options, and the lightbulb will go off over my  head and I'll catch what she needs to do with what. Sometimes it is just a change in a color palette, or a tweak to a graphic, a change in approach. Whatever. Somehow I just "see" it, and we're off and running again.

If you are good at something; run with it. If your spouse is good at something; let them run with it. If your co-worker, your junior vice-president, your office manager, your assistant -your kids -if they show an aptitude, let them run with it. And you should too.

Goal number one: survive -whatever it is, however long it takes- with the important relationship(s) intact. (There are, of course, exceptions to this, as sometimes people show their true colors under stress. Or, we finally are enlightened enough to actually see those colors- and we must separate ourselves from these unhealthy persons.) But the relationships we know to be important to us; where there is a mutual commitment, an investment of time, where both trust and a degree of personal feeling of some strength is present -we must find a way to survive. Together.

Taking proverbial hammer in hand and whacking those around us into metaphorical holes that are not their "shape", due to the fact that that's just the "role" we ' know' and unconsciously operate by, and want them to operate by  -is counter-productive.

My wife does what she's good at, I do what I'm good at. She changes diapers, I explain things to our boys about why their private parts "do funny things". Best "man" (and by the word "man", here, I mean that in a gender-neutral way) for the job does the job, and the other backs him or her up.

The next time you're at a stalemate, and its time to divvy up assignments - remember this scenario --- We (my wife and I) were installing the HD-TV/Surround Sound/Blu-Ray "Trifecta of Awesome" in our first "real" apartment. My wife had her head buried within a cabinet of cables and wires while I was flipping through the instruction manual -which, true to our abnormal roles, she of course completely ignored. I finally, feeling useless and frustrated just asked her "What can I do?"

"Make some coffee?"

**Grrrrooowl.**

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Another favorite for today!! THANK YOU ALL!!

Hey guys -
Today is a big day for us for two reason... #1: we reached 1,000 followers on twitter! and #2: I get to write about it in my 100th Blog post!! So I want to get super cheesball on you all for a second... I love that you all find some sort of entertainment in my craziness... be it the crazy stress of the store... the craziness of having 2 toddler boys... 11 months apart... (Theyre always good for some entertaining material)... All the awesome etsy goodies I find... the fun celebrity press we have gotten... or a million of the other things I post about... I just really appreciate it. You all make me feel pretty special. So, thats enough cheeziness for one post. But from the bottom of my heart, really. Thanks for supporting me, my family & my store, RockerByeBaby :)
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A Sad little Sunday Something... Sharing...

There are a million things that sometimes suck about being a mom... right? I think we can all agree... the fighting, the yelling... the cooking... the cleaning... the working... and after all of that, at the end of the day they all still need more... kids & husband alike... But, there are a million things that are great about being a mom... The love of your kids... feeling that love in someone else... and KNOWING they feel the same... that feeling of being needed and wanted... growing a child... teaching them new things and watching their little wheels turn... and seeing that excitement when they learn something new... and today... today was an all new experience. Zaq was home watching the football game & I had some errands to run... were down to just one car now so when I have an opportunity I have to take it. So I loaded up the boys... and off we went. First to the post office... Zave fussed the whole way there... and back into the car... zave fussed some more... and some more... he was on a roll for the fussiness. Izzaq was being great... its amazing how this little baby has turned into a 3 year old walking talking little man... he has so much personality... i love it.... we were having a nice little talk about the big mountains and the hot sun when we rolled up to a stop light... Now, Sun City *where the post office is* Is a retirement community. Filled with all sorts of sweet old men and women just living it up in Cali. Except for one man... At the corner of this stop light was a sad old man. My eyes filled with tears, he looked exactly like my Grandpa Brown *who passed away when I was 13 and miss dearly.* Skin tanned from the sun... wrinkly from age... with big 'ol apple cheek bones.. a scruffy salt & pepper beard... bushy eye brows and loving brown eyes. Its amazing the details that you can pick up in an instance. I swear... they were so alike that It could have been him. I guess if you believe in that sort of thing... maybe it was. He was wearing an army jacket & pants... holding a sign that said "Every Little Bit Helps." I looked back at Izzaq & said... Izzaq, see this man? He doesn't have a house. And he is hungry, so were gunna share our money with him. *im choking up just typing, geesh* So Izzaq said ok mama... lets share. So I pull up to him... roll down the window... grab a HUGE handfull of change from the car... and izzaq yells from the backseat... "HI! We gunna share my moneys with you to eat!" and he reached across the car and held out his hand... with a big smile on his face..."Bless ya Girl, Thank you" I smiled. Looked back at izzaq and fought back tears. I have NO idea why this hit me so hard... maybe because he reminded me so much of my grandpa... maybe because im just an emotional girl today... or maybe because IzzaQ is growing up... I dunno. I always try to help anyone out when I can... I donate money when I can... I donate product when I can... I donate clothes and toys to shelters... and if I have change... i give it... but this was different. It was the most rewarding moment as a mother that I have had yet... in that 30 seconds sitting at that stop light I taught a lesson to my son... Share... not just your toys when you playing... but everything... if you have enough, give to someone else... and in those 30 seconds... i realized I really have a chance to help change the world... Its more than just an opportunity to "Pay it Forward"... more than good Karma... Our world is a crazy messed up place... and i face it with my irrational fears every day. And us moms & dads really can make a difference. It doesnt matter if your black or white... a hippie or a punk... a christian or an atheist... if we all took the time to teach these simple morals and values the world would be a better place... we have the opportunity to help grow one more selfless caring and sharing person to make a difference... Thats enough rambling for my day off of blogging... I just wanted to share that with you... it was very emotional for me... I ljust want to leave you with one more thought... What did you teach your child/children today? What do you do as a mom (or dad), to instill good values in your children?
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