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Mentoring Monday: How to Relate
How to Relate?My mind constantly wonders about what kind of person my daughter will be. For most of the questions, I don’t care about what the answers are specifically. I am just excited to find them out because I look forward to getting to know her as a person. Will she be boisterous like her parents or the opposite of us: shy and quiet? Will her favorite color be something like pastel pink or neon orange? Will she be a picky eater like her dad, or eat anything put in front of her like her mom? Will she be straight or gay? It’s these kinds of questions I look forward to watching her figure out the answers for herself, all the while daddy and me loving and guiding her along the way. But I realistically know it won’t always be that romantic. There will inevitably be questions she answers that we will have to work hard at understanding. Answers that will make us wonder, “Where’d she get that from?” Answers that will cock our heads to one side and crinkle our brows upward, much like this:
What if she has no interest in baseball, but likes football (we’re not at all football fans)? ...Okay, so we learn to like football. What if she doesn’t understand our passion for music and arts, but instead is equally moved by agriculture? …Then we learn about agriculture with her, and encourage the passion even if it’s not our own. What if her favorite band is Insane Clown Posse or she’s into crunk core music? …I have to be honest: I shudder at this one--not sure how to bridge that gap.It’s easy to fantasize our children-to-be being like us; being interested by the same subjects we are. Partly because we understand no one better than ourselves and partly because it’s romantic to think we’ll relate so intimately with someone we already love so much. Surely we rub off on our kids. For proof, you don’t have to look any farther than the mirror. We have, to varying degrees, already started to become our parents. But it is inevitable that our children will throw us personality curveballs, just as we did to our parents.The greater question is, “How will I relate to my child’s interest when I’m not naturally interested in the subject?” What efforts will I have to make to relate to Madeline; to get inside her head and more adequately understand where her head is; what she is going through; how she is feeling when I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I’m only 25, and I say all the time, “I just don’t understand kids today.” I sound like my 85 year old grandmother. But it’s the same every time there is a generation younger than another with a culture all their own. We use our experiences to relate to others, but this is a fallible tactic. Our experiences are, more often than not, different from those of others. And instead of trying to see the world from their eyes, we try to understand them from ours.How many times when you were a kid did you say to your parents, “You just don’t understand?” And how lost and alone did it make you feel? It’s true: they didn’t understand (insert Fresh Prince comment here), and neither will we unless we use a different approach. The thing I will have to remember when I get frustrated because I just don’t understand my child is that when you break it down, she’s going through the same phase that I did: it’s just that she has different influences (parents, friends, culture, interests) that color that phase than I did. A co-worker and friend of mine told me early on in my pregnancy, “Don’t ever forget what it was like to be a kid.” That is quite possibly my favorite advice so far. When I want to say, “Oh grow up,” when she’s being juvenile and trivial, I need to remember she’s trying to (grow up, that is). I need to remember that what she’s going through, no matter how dumb it may seem to me, is a huge deal to her because it’s the biggest deal she’s had to deal with yet. The tribulations of youth pale in comparison to adult responsibilities when you’re an adult, but when you’re a kid, having the right clothes, the right friends, etc. is necessary for survival: emotional survival. Because all you know at that point is emotional survival.This mentality will also come in handy when all she says is, “No,” and “Mine!” When you are used to the world as you know it (your home and parents) revolving around you, sharing is a strange and frustrating concept to try and wrap your little head around. And although I will persevere in my dominant role as parent, and as impossible as it may seem to keep cool while she goes through her bratty stage, I must remember that the defiant “no” is her exercising her first revelation of free will and independence: qualities I want her to have to become a strong confident woman.
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What if she has no interest in baseball, but likes football (we’re not at all football fans)? ...Okay, so we learn to like football. What if she doesn’t understand our passion for music and arts, but instead is equally moved by agriculture? …Then we learn about agriculture with her, and encourage the passion even if it’s not our own. What if her favorite band is Insane Clown Posse or she’s into crunk core music? …I have to be honest: I shudder at this one--not sure how to bridge that gap.It’s easy to fantasize our children-to-be being like us; being interested by the same subjects we are. Partly because we understand no one better than ourselves and partly because it’s romantic to think we’ll relate so intimately with someone we already love so much. Surely we rub off on our kids. For proof, you don’t have to look any farther than the mirror. We have, to varying degrees, already started to become our parents. But it is inevitable that our children will throw us personality curveballs, just as we did to our parents.The greater question is, “How will I relate to my child’s interest when I’m not naturally interested in the subject?” What efforts will I have to make to relate to Madeline; to get inside her head and more adequately understand where her head is; what she is going through; how she is feeling when I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I’m only 25, and I say all the time, “I just don’t understand kids today.” I sound like my 85 year old grandmother. But it’s the same every time there is a generation younger than another with a culture all their own. We use our experiences to relate to others, but this is a fallible tactic. Our experiences are, more often than not, different from those of others. And instead of trying to see the world from their eyes, we try to understand them from ours.How many times when you were a kid did you say to your parents, “You just don’t understand?” And how lost and alone did it make you feel? It’s true: they didn’t understand (insert Fresh Prince comment here), and neither will we unless we use a different approach. The thing I will have to remember when I get frustrated because I just don’t understand my child is that when you break it down, she’s going through the same phase that I did: it’s just that she has different influences (parents, friends, culture, interests) that color that phase than I did. A co-worker and friend of mine told me early on in my pregnancy, “Don’t ever forget what it was like to be a kid.” That is quite possibly my favorite advice so far. When I want to say, “Oh grow up,” when she’s being juvenile and trivial, I need to remember she’s trying to (grow up, that is). I need to remember that what she’s going through, no matter how dumb it may seem to me, is a huge deal to her because it’s the biggest deal she’s had to deal with yet. The tribulations of youth pale in comparison to adult responsibilities when you’re an adult, but when you’re a kid, having the right clothes, the right friends, etc. is necessary for survival: emotional survival. Because all you know at that point is emotional survival.This mentality will also come in handy when all she says is, “No,” and “Mine!” When you are used to the world as you know it (your home and parents) revolving around you, sharing is a strange and frustrating concept to try and wrap your little head around. And although I will persevere in my dominant role as parent, and as impossible as it may seem to keep cool while she goes through her bratty stage, I must remember that the defiant “no” is her exercising her first revelation of free will and independence: qualities I want her to have to become a strong confident woman.
Testing...1.2.3.
Hey guys!! I'm super excited about this... I'm blogging from my new iPhone app - blogpress so want to test it out! I'm hoping it works well and makes blogging on the run a little easier....
Hmmmm let's try a picture...
Easy as pie...... Yay!!
Video?
And nooooow to try to post and see if it works!! Let me know what you guys think!!! And what works... Etc. Etc. :) thanks!!!
- Posted by RockerByeBaby using BlogPress from my iPhone
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Hmmmm let's try a picture...
Easy as pie...... Yay!!
Video?
And nooooow to try to post and see if it works!! Let me know what you guys think!!! And what works... Etc. Etc. :) thanks!!!
- Posted by RockerByeBaby using BlogPress from my iPhone
Singer Sunday - "Happy Fathers Day... toooo meeeee..."
FINALLY back to Swinger Sundays - yay! This week... i though it was only appropriate for my hubs to write seeing as it fathers day and all... interested to see what he has to share with you all!
Check check..one...two..is this thing on? Ok so let me begin by saying I am NOT writer or a scholar like some of the other guests that have donated to Tg's blog here. (Sorry you may know her as Amber but she's TG to me) I have never "blogged" or "tweeted" but it seems to be all the rage these days, so when Tg asked me to write something seeing as its Fathers Day and all I figured why the H E double hockey sticks not. Sticking with the theme of the holiday, I figured Id write about what else but being a Dad(and a husband). After a few years I think Im finally starting to get the hang of this adventure, although from what I hear the ride get even more interesting as they get older. I'll let you know. Anyways one of the greatest lessons I've learned while being a parent, I learned from my old boss Tod Ericsson. Keep in mind I am FAR from mastering this lesson, and my reaction time is still something of concern (TG can still tell quite a bit when Im applying this lesson to our own moments of disagreement) Even still in my rookie status, this has saved me from what Im sure would be nothing short of a news van worthy incident on more than one occasion. Ok here it is..
THOUGHT BUBBLE
WORD BUBBLE
Simple right? Now some people, Id say 5% of the human population, are born with an amazing filter where this never has be be applied. Ironically I think those same 5% are either incapable of having children or are born with a chemical imbalance where everything a toddler does is "oh so adorable."
The rest of us on the other hand need to take a split moment when stressful situations come up and make sure we carefully weigh the possible outcomes if our thoughts became words. Still confused? Here's an example.
"Daddy what are you and Mommy doing in the shower?"
THOUGHT BUBBLE= (Well I was trying to put a big enough smile on her face that she'll be able to handle an entire afternoon of you torturing her about when can we go see Toy Story 3 and sucker punching your brother, but now that you've broken my concentration I have to start all over)
WORD BUBBLE= "Mommy needed my help to wash her back while she shaves her legs. Can you go make sure your brother is ok matching his movie buddy?"
See. Two totally different outcomes. Had the THOUGHT bubble come out, Id have one confused 3 yr old. As well... I would've sparked the obvious follow up question, being: "WE'RE GOING TO SEE TOY STORY THREE????!!!"
Heres another scenario.
"Daddy Daddy I made a HUGE BIG GIANT POOPIE in the potty! You come help me wipe please?"
THOUGHT BUBBLE=(You know I can't wait. I can't wait until he has his first girlfriend over, and is trying to act all cool and rebellious and I can relive this moment with her over and over again. Or even better when I get old and he has to help me wipe MY ass...oh that'll be the day. Just you wait. Chipotle EVERY day!!)
WORD BUBBLE="Be right there buddy! You're such a good boy! Great job!"
Last scenario... talking about getting a baby in mommy's belly... *Thought bubble FAIL*
Izzaq: Daddy, does mommy have a baby in her belly? I want a baby in MY belly...
Me: No buddy, boys can't have babies in their bellies, only mommies can.
Izzaq: No daddy, I want a baby in MY belly...
Me: Buddy - we have the babies in our penis... and then the daddy puts the baby in mommies belly.
Izzaq: Daddy, can I put my baby in mommies belly?
*Head/Desk*
amber edit: i could have killed him while listening to this conversation. As soon as i heard that, yelled ZAQ! No! Were all about keeping things open & talking... so when 13 comes around there is no "sex talk" its always open and honest and understood... but DUH! He is 3!!! He can't possibly understand that... UGH! Then we proceeded to hear for a week how he wanted to put a baby in my belly. SO GLAD that is over with... i was waiting to be walking through the grocery store and have him blab about that... i woulda died.
See? Easy right? Well, not always obviously... but doable. Although, I grin when I think about a world where this rule doesn't apply or work. Where no one has a filter. Unfortunately, the world NEEDS men and women to stay together to procreate, which wouldn't be humanly possible in that world. Think about it. Everyday we hop, skip and jump over LANDMINES to keep the family unit together.
"Does this dress make my butt look fat?"
"You don't mind if I stop after work for a beer with the guys right?"
"Hey do you care if my parents come stay for a couple weeks?"
"Really? Its a good size?"
Wow. Talk about a dooms day theory. Maybe the Aztecs calendar ends when the filter is lost!
Luckily the THOUGHT BUBBLE / WORD BUBBLE rule is alive and strong. Happy Fathers Day out there to all the Dads that are lucky enough to have amazing wives that put up with our crap. Trust me. They KNOW we don't want to go to Bed Bath and Beyond. They KNOW we'd rather watch the game or grab a couple rounds with the boys than watch "Valentine's Day" And they DEFINITELY know when we're not saying what we're thinking. But they're happy just to know we care enough to try. Well that and because we'd do anything to make sure the family is happy.
Read more →
Check check..one...two..is this thing on? Ok so let me begin by saying I am NOT writer or a scholar like some of the other guests that have donated to Tg's blog here. (Sorry you may know her as Amber but she's TG to me) I have never "blogged" or "tweeted" but it seems to be all the rage these days, so when Tg asked me to write something seeing as its Fathers Day and all I figured why the H E double hockey sticks not. Sticking with the theme of the holiday, I figured Id write about what else but being a Dad(and a husband). After a few years I think Im finally starting to get the hang of this adventure, although from what I hear the ride get even more interesting as they get older. I'll let you know. Anyways one of the greatest lessons I've learned while being a parent, I learned from my old boss Tod Ericsson. Keep in mind I am FAR from mastering this lesson, and my reaction time is still something of concern (TG can still tell quite a bit when Im applying this lesson to our own moments of disagreement) Even still in my rookie status, this has saved me from what Im sure would be nothing short of a news van worthy incident on more than one occasion. Ok here it is..
THOUGHT BUBBLE
WORD BUBBLE
Simple right? Now some people, Id say 5% of the human population, are born with an amazing filter where this never has be be applied. Ironically I think those same 5% are either incapable of having children or are born with a chemical imbalance where everything a toddler does is "oh so adorable."
The rest of us on the other hand need to take a split moment when stressful situations come up and make sure we carefully weigh the possible outcomes if our thoughts became words. Still confused? Here's an example.
"Daddy what are you and Mommy doing in the shower?"
THOUGHT BUBBLE= (Well I was trying to put a big enough smile on her face that she'll be able to handle an entire afternoon of you torturing her about when can we go see Toy Story 3 and sucker punching your brother, but now that you've broken my concentration I have to start all over)
WORD BUBBLE= "Mommy needed my help to wash her back while she shaves her legs. Can you go make sure your brother is ok matching his movie buddy?"
See. Two totally different outcomes. Had the THOUGHT bubble come out, Id have one confused 3 yr old. As well... I would've sparked the obvious follow up question, being: "WE'RE GOING TO SEE TOY STORY THREE????!!!"
Heres another scenario.
"Daddy Daddy I made a HUGE BIG GIANT POOPIE in the potty! You come help me wipe please?"
THOUGHT BUBBLE=(You know I can't wait. I can't wait until he has his first girlfriend over, and is trying to act all cool and rebellious and I can relive this moment with her over and over again. Or even better when I get old and he has to help me wipe MY ass...oh that'll be the day. Just you wait. Chipotle EVERY day!!)
WORD BUBBLE="Be right there buddy! You're such a good boy! Great job!"
Last scenario... talking about getting a baby in mommy's belly... *Thought bubble FAIL*
Izzaq: Daddy, does mommy have a baby in her belly? I want a baby in MY belly...
Me: No buddy, boys can't have babies in their bellies, only mommies can.
Izzaq: No daddy, I want a baby in MY belly...
Me: Buddy - we have the babies in our penis... and then the daddy puts the baby in mommies belly.
Izzaq: Daddy, can I put my baby in mommies belly?
*Head/Desk*
amber edit: i could have killed him while listening to this conversation. As soon as i heard that, yelled ZAQ! No! Were all about keeping things open & talking... so when 13 comes around there is no "sex talk" its always open and honest and understood... but DUH! He is 3!!! He can't possibly understand that... UGH! Then we proceeded to hear for a week how he wanted to put a baby in my belly. SO GLAD that is over with... i was waiting to be walking through the grocery store and have him blab about that... i woulda died.
See? Easy right? Well, not always obviously... but doable. Although, I grin when I think about a world where this rule doesn't apply or work. Where no one has a filter. Unfortunately, the world NEEDS men and women to stay together to procreate, which wouldn't be humanly possible in that world. Think about it. Everyday we hop, skip and jump over LANDMINES to keep the family unit together.
"Does this dress make my butt look fat?"
"You don't mind if I stop after work for a beer with the guys right?"
"Hey do you care if my parents come stay for a couple weeks?"
"Really? Its a good size?"
Wow. Talk about a dooms day theory. Maybe the Aztecs calendar ends when the filter is lost!
Luckily the THOUGHT BUBBLE / WORD BUBBLE rule is alive and strong. Happy Fathers Day out there to all the Dads that are lucky enough to have amazing wives that put up with our crap. Trust me. They KNOW we don't want to go to Bed Bath and Beyond. They KNOW we'd rather watch the game or grab a couple rounds with the boys than watch "Valentine's Day" And they DEFINITELY know when we're not saying what we're thinking. But they're happy just to know we care enough to try. Well that and because we'd do anything to make sure the family is happy.
Favorites Friday: Father's Day... In Punk Rock form of course...
You won't see typical baby gear floating around the RockerByeBaby house... so why on earth would you see typical daddy gear? Ugh, not allowed ;) Except of course for the random Twins hat or Vikings jersey.. but thats just cuz daddy is a sports geek... So this weeks Favorites Friday is everything the punk rock daddy deserves on his special day...
#1: WeROnesieful - Worlds Coolest Dad Tattoo t-shirt
#2: Small Threads - I Heart dad tshirt
#3: DnaCreations - Dia De Los Muertos stainless steel flask - The Golfer
#4: SilverBeyondOrdinary - Skull Belt Buckle
#5:BreadandBadger - Blue Shot Glass Pirate Skull
#6: dedalo - Skull n Bones meets Classic Cufflinks
#7:PolkaDotMadpie - Skull Money Clip
#8: RokGear - Paisley Skullz Peacock Blue Nexktie (because we can NEVER have too many RokGear ties :)
#9: MetalTaboo - Rock Star Sterling Silver Guitar Pic
If any of you AWESOME sellers would like to do a review & giveaway we would love to have you!
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#1: WeROnesieful - Worlds Coolest Dad Tattoo t-shirt
#2: Small Threads - I Heart dad tshirt
#3: DnaCreations - Dia De Los Muertos stainless steel flask - The Golfer
#4: SilverBeyondOrdinary - Skull Belt Buckle
#5:BreadandBadger - Blue Shot Glass Pirate Skull
#6: dedalo - Skull n Bones meets Classic Cufflinks
#7:PolkaDotMadpie - Skull Money Clip
#8: RokGear - Paisley Skullz Peacock Blue Nexktie (because we can NEVER have too many RokGear ties :)
#9: MetalTaboo - Rock Star Sterling Silver Guitar Pic
If any of you AWESOME sellers would like to do a review & giveaway we would love to have you!
Thursdays Tunes - Hurricane J, The Hold Steady
mmmm new Hold Steady record... daddy has been drooling over this song since he cracked the cellophane on the cd. And i know why.... why? Cuz its friggen amazing.............
Jesse, I'm not joking around.
I see the crowd you're hanging with.
Those kids don't seem positive.
Don't all the cigs make you tired?
You know I'll never ask you to change.
I'll only ask you to try.
I know you're gonna do what I know you're gonna do.
But twenty-two and banging around in restaurants
Isn't that much prettier than banging around in bars.
Why do you keep going to his car?
I don't want this to stop.
I want you to know.
I don't want you to settle.
I want you to grow.
Forget all the boys that you met at the harbor.
They're too hard already.
They'll only get harder.
Jesse, let's go for a ride.
I know a place that we could stop.
I know a place that we could drink and kiss for a while.
I know a place that always makes you smile.
I know you're gonna say what I know you're gonna say.
I know you'll look around at the ground.
I know you'll probably cry.
You're a beautiful girl and you're a pretty good waitress.
But Jesse I don't think I'm the guy.
I don't want this to stop.
I want you to know.
I don't want you to settle.
I want you to grow.
Forget everything that I showed you this summer.
You're too hard already.
You'll only get harder.
But they didn't name her for a saint.
They named her for a storm.
So how is she supposed to think about
How it's gonna feel in the morning?
She said if heaven's hypothetical
And if the cigs keep you warm.
Then how is she supposed to think about
How it's gonna move in the morning?
About how it's gonna move in the morning?
About how it's gonna move in the morning?
Hurricane Jesse's gonna crash into the harbor this summer.
She don't want to wait til she gets older.
Hurricane Jesse's gonna crash into the harbor this summer.
She don't want to wait.
She said it only gets harder
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Jesse, I'm not joking around.
I see the crowd you're hanging with.
Those kids don't seem positive.
Don't all the cigs make you tired?
You know I'll never ask you to change.
I'll only ask you to try.
I know you're gonna do what I know you're gonna do.
But twenty-two and banging around in restaurants
Isn't that much prettier than banging around in bars.
Why do you keep going to his car?
I don't want this to stop.
I want you to know.
I don't want you to settle.
I want you to grow.
Forget all the boys that you met at the harbor.
They're too hard already.
They'll only get harder.
Jesse, let's go for a ride.
I know a place that we could stop.
I know a place that we could drink and kiss for a while.
I know a place that always makes you smile.
I know you're gonna say what I know you're gonna say.
I know you'll look around at the ground.
I know you'll probably cry.
You're a beautiful girl and you're a pretty good waitress.
But Jesse I don't think I'm the guy.
I don't want this to stop.
I want you to know.
I don't want you to settle.
I want you to grow.
Forget everything that I showed you this summer.
You're too hard already.
You'll only get harder.
But they didn't name her for a saint.
They named her for a storm.
So how is she supposed to think about
How it's gonna feel in the morning?
She said if heaven's hypothetical
And if the cigs keep you warm.
Then how is she supposed to think about
How it's gonna move in the morning?
About how it's gonna move in the morning?
About how it's gonna move in the morning?
Hurricane Jesse's gonna crash into the harbor this summer.
She don't want to wait til she gets older.
Hurricane Jesse's gonna crash into the harbor this summer.
She don't want to wait.
She said it only gets harder
